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Hope.
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Jun. 29th, 2005 @ 11:40 pm
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Ever try and find a lit candle on a dark, foggy, spooky night, several miles away from it?
Me, either, but I can only guess that it would be so faint that seeing it would be next to impossible...and yet, if you knew it was there, would you look?
I would...and regardless what happens to me now, I'm going to keep on looking. Wandering a bit, perhaps. Ah, well. Just do me a favor and don't blow/piss my candle out. Thanks. |
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Pain
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Jun. 25th, 2005 @ 01:17 am
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I felt it today, with a renewed strength. The pain of loss. The pain of sorrow. It's a reverberation of the broken heart that beats in my chest. It had been dulling itself with the passing of time, the understanding of the truths offered to me, explaining the reason for needing the pain. And today, I found myself thinking a thought that, well, I though logical processes had delt with...the pain I'm feeling now, what I'm going through...it's a means to an end. An end that everyone wants: To be happy. But, the end of happiness shouldn't be the justification for this pain...it doesn't make this pain right, does it?
I don't know. It's very confused and I'm in a pretty bad mood.
Even still, I felt longing. A deep, empty feeling that I...well...I wanted to be held. Selfish, and yet...I longed for it so much today. I am indeed lonely. But...I wasn't hoping for just anybody to come along, and grab onto me. Oh, no. There's someone special, and she knows who she is.
Hope, of course, can be dangerous with things like this. Yet, I allow myself to hope because my hope is, truthfully, what I want. What I want, however, only matters to me right now. Everyone else is also (understandably) seeking out what they want...and, well, there's nobody to share my wants with.
I'm a little afraid of myself today. I saw a scary side of me that I do not like. The burning in my blood...a sad, quiet rage. Destructive in the smallest of detail. It's sick. Cold anger is more useful than warm anger...but cold rage...
That is by far the most disturbing thing to me...and I was it today.
Venting. I like to vent. |
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Jun. 10th, 2005 @ 11:44 pm
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In my mind, I keep thinking
"Damn you, Kesha. Damn you for doing this to me. For putting me through this."
But I know that she is worth this, too. I knew the day would come when she would finally suceed in doing this. And I am no prepaired to wait. To sit right on this very spot, and refuse to move.
This is life. It makes me wish I were dead...but I would be breaking a promise.
I do not think I will ever be the same, one way or the other. |
| » Fiasco. |
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Fiasco, n. A complete and utter disaster.
1st Fiasco: Trying to get time off work for my camping trip.
2ed Fiasco: Trying to plan anything for my camping trip
3rd Fiasco: Dad venting because I don't do anything.
4th Fiasco: Marty's so-called graduation.
Some days are designed to sap the life from my very bones. But it convinces me further that what I need is to get away, to move away from where I am, in order to grow. I don't hate my dad, per se. I hate what he is capaible of being sometimes. He seems to fail to understand that I am a learning child, handling responsibility as best I can. If I could understand what it was, exactly, that I was or wasn't doing to upset him so much, I'd obviously stop. There is no malice.
I take and take, without giving back...or so he says. And yet, Sunday, when everything went bad, who had the courage to do the right things, to comfort, console, cook?
And what about the day before, when Dad didn't have to lift a finger on the housework after getting home from work?
These are, of course, the tall-tell signs of some greedy, selfish little prick.
Jun. 8th, 2005 @ 09:10 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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:-/
So, I guess, when you get down to the nitty-gritty, I'm not nearly as mature as I thought I was. I'm a picky and self-centered little child, with too many pointless problems and not enough sleep.
Everybody needs room to grow, but I feel stifled, stunted. It's quite an annoying feeling.
I suppose what it is going to take to bring me to a higher level of maturity is time, and experience. The knowledge that I've gained hasn't been enough. I need to get roughed up some more, saved some more, and...well, lived some more.
I have a route, a way to go. Just need to make sure my ducks are in a row, and take a step.
But, I suppose...time will be ticking regardless.
Ah, yes, and as a note:
It's called being brutally honest for a reason.
May. 22nd, 2005 @ 12:16 am
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| » Star Wars |
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Yep. I saw it, at midnight...camped out seats for five hours, and got amazingly good seats...
Dead center.
Oh, yes.
BEST FRICKIN MOVIE EVA!
...
Yeah. Go see it.
May. 19th, 2005 @ 03:12 am
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| » Michigan, State of...home, alas. |
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rawr. I've returned from my Ohio trek.
My trip summary, to paraphrase Officespace...I did absoultly nothing, and it was everything I thought it would be.
so yAy for lazy relaxation, and many thanks to Kesha's 'rets for putting me up (or, putting up with me). Either or.
Submarines and Cephlipods!
May. 8th, 2005 @ 11:23 pm
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| » Ohioville. |
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yAy! I'm going to Ohio tomorrow.
Bye.
May. 1st, 2005 @ 09:54 pm
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| » Friggity-boredo. |
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I'm just chillin here in the library at OCC, waiting so very paitently for the eleven-o'clock to tick on by. Need to turn in this final, get my fuggin ticket for Star Wars, buy some CD's, fix my headlight, and go take my Shakespeare final. Today is a busy day, but I'm quite comfortable knowing that this time next week will find me in Ohioland.
By the way, if you haven't already, check out www.kingdomofloathing.com. It's a mini-online RPG...with stick figures and hiliarity. Nothing beats smacking around bars(that's bears...only southrenized) in the spooky woods with a spooky stick...
When meat = money, and my class involves beating up seals, everything is good.
Apr. 27th, 2005 @ 09:46 am
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| » Expounding on the epic idea, or, kicking a dead horse. |
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I've been wrestling with my own idea of epicness for quite some time now. (Yes, James & others, this is one of those entries again. Avoid at your discretion) And, in a phone conversation a little while back, it was pointed out to me that many of the things that I do that I thing are epic and wonderful things are, in fact, things I simply do out of selfish nessissity. (Going to Ohio for that first time, for example.) And perhaps that is true, and my own ideas and conceptions about myself are selfishly enhanced in order to allow myself to appear bigger, to create a safe illusion of myself that provides for my feeling of self-worthiness.
This though was quite bothersome, and I spent a deal of time looking into what I belived my epicness to be, until in another phone conversation, I stated that "I am at my best when others are at their worst." And while, of course, this isn't an entirely true statement, it shall suffice.
My epic is through the virtue of compassion(empathy, understanding, whatever you might wish to call it.), and it is through that virtue that my epic functions...therefore, when my compassion is "not is use", my sense of epic is greatly diminished, and I'm a marginally tollerable human being. I'm nice, a little cynical, and I use my wit to keep the people I know happy while I'm around them, but otherwise, the epic side of me is dormant.
It's when people are in need, or, when I am hurt, that my epic comes out to play.
Well, now that you're all looking quite bored...I think I'm going to bed.
One week.
Apr. 26th, 2005 @ 02:12 am
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| » When it rains... |
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I found out today that my recently widowed great-aunt Geraldine (Jerry) has cancer. A great deal of fun, to be sure.
Apr. 24th, 2005 @ 10:01 pm
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| » In illness. |
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I've reached the point in my sickness, with many thanks to Justin for getting me sick for the second time within a month, where I suffer from a sense of clairvoiance. I'm disconnected from the rest of myself, and I feel at my most capible to get things accomplished. Flight? No problem.
Transportation to Paris, and the 4'11" girl who would certianly appreciate my spontanious apperence? Seems within my range of abilities. Now, if I didn't have this God-forsaken cough and the sniffles, I might be in the mood to negotiate the other effects of my sickness, such as the ability to sleep for 30 minuets and have it feel like a couple hours...
Now, leave me alone to work on my teleportation further. It needs refinement.
btw, the new single from Coldplay is rockin my awesome. Now, if I could only sing...
Apr. 23rd, 2005 @ 11:03 pm
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| » An honest admittance to fear |
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I admit it. I cannot help but feel afraid, afraid that when Kesha comes back...well, she'll be out of my leauge. Too worldly and mature for me. I'm excited and await her return with many a passing breath...but, I am also afraid.
In reality, I'm most likely worried over nothing, as is my nature, but the haunting question of 'What if' is hard to put down.
I s'pose I ought to follow what I preach, and trust it to Faith.
Apr. 19th, 2005 @ 12:35 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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It's my LJ, and I'll ramble aimlessly if I want to.
Perhaps, when my finals abate, I'll write more here.
Then again, perhaps not.
Time will tell, for I cannot.
Apr. 18th, 2005 @ 08:36 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I ought to have stayed in bed all week.
Apr. 17th, 2005 @ 11:08 pm
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| » Star Wars...mmm...(23!) |
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mmm
Star Wars traliers.
mmm.
It's almost my happy place.
Kesha pwns, however, so not quite.
Apr. 11th, 2005 @ 11:27 pm
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| » Secret Shopper! |
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bam.
Yesterday, our Subway Secret Shopper came in. We get one every couple months, and Justin and I nailed it.
Nothing like winning money for doing my job!
I feel kinda bad for the day crew, who got pwnd by customers and a party sub, but didn't get the shopper, but that's life. I've been there for three years, and I've only seen her this one time, so I'm a little due.
woot. Gas money!
Apr. 11th, 2005 @ 02:01 pm
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| » A quick how-to (24) |
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How to annoy your sandwich artist in five easy steps!
1. Make sure you park directly in front of the store, in the clearly marked NO PARKING zone, blocking the view of the parking lot with plenty of open spaces no more than twenty feet away
2. Use a cell phone to place an order, or better yet, be involved in some terribly unimportiant call and tell the artist serving you to "hold on" while s/he is making your sandwich(s)
3. Call in a large and unusually detailed order during the lunch rush of your local store, and demand it be done in fifteen mins. Make sure you have at least eight sandwiches.
4. Examine the make table carefully, asking for extra of only the veggies the table is low on, forcing the artist to make several trips to the back
5. When the total of your purchases amounts to under five dollars, break your fifty/hundred dollar bill. It's best to get lots of change after all.
That's all I'm going to say.
Apr. 10th, 2005 @ 01:54 am
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| » Gonna try and fan some flames... |
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I am a hopeless ROMANTIC!
I admit it, fully...
at least, when it comes to anime. My current show of choice? Ai Yori Aoshi. Loosely translated, "Love True Blue."
Shush. I know it's silly I enjoy a good boy-meets-girl, boy-isn't-worthy-of-girl, boy-has-hidden-powa/does-something-epic, boy-wins-girl, boy-loses-girl (because of said epicness), girl-realises-she's-got-it-good, boy-and-girl-are-happy anime, but can't stand the same in a 'real' movie (read: Harem anime vs chick-flicks)...and I decided to figure out just why this is. I am, after all, a romantic...
My first guess (as you otaku may or may not have guessed) is the gratuitious amount of scantly-cladness/guy-stumbling-onto-bathing-girls sequences (aka fanservice) that most romance anime contains...but, the counter-point (though usually a weaker one) is...most cliche romance movies have a scene or two of quite a bit of sexually-related humor/steam-ish scenes...and they can sometimes be worse than the anime I watch. (No hentai, preverts.) For example, toplessness, simulated sex scenes, etc.
With this being the case, my "natural" male inclination towards all-out gratuitious nudity wouldn't very well be watching animated half-nude bathing women, panty shots, and other such fanservice when it could very easily be watching cliche chick-flicks for a...ahem...more, well...'real' experience.
I would hope that would be the case...but another thing that takes the bite out of this arguement: I'M NOT THAT SUPERFICAL!
ok. I KNOW I am generalizing here. I'm using the sterotypes to attempt to draw meaning. It's valid. The sterotypes need to come from somewhere.
Now that has been ruled out, it's gotta be something deeper. Could it be, perhaps, the characters? It's pretty safe to say that the best characters are ones that the viewer can empthise with. Anime only has one trait going for it here...Most times, the female characters are pretty absurd, and fall into catagories that are pretty easy to predict: The tomboy, the brain, the beauty, the drinker, etc...so, that's not something that can be connected to easily, because they're too two dementional. Though, the exception to this is the female lead, who is usually(if not more so!) dynamic as the male lead...ah, the male lead, the one thing anime has in the character catagory in the typical romance anime, at least, for me as a male viewer. Usually, the male lead is similar to a single (and long-time single) version of myself. Shy, withdrawn, klutzy, lonely and otherwise unattractive in most areas. His only saving grace is his kind heart(and, in some cases, his superpowers that the girls covet). Which, is pretty much an overly-dramatized version of myself, and easy to empthise with. Now, the whole being surrounded by beautiful women whom are halfway catfighting wearing towels in an open air mineral bath...yeah. Totally unrealistic...but, when the main guy and girl finally figure out that they're in love...man, that's usually a tender episode or two. But, other than the main male...not much going on in the way of realistic characters...
Movies, on the other hand, are generally well balanced with flat and rounded characters in the plot. Of course the extras are pretty twodementional, but more than the one or two of anime have honest to goodness human qualities...I generally have a harder time empthising with the main male in the movies, because he's usually the "object of desire", and not the main protagionist. But, anyway, I can better empthize with the situation(s) the two would-be lovers are in better, because on the whole, they are realistic. Sometimes a little farfetched, but better than a single loser-boy who suddenly becomes the caretaker of an all-girls apartment in his grandma's stead for no apparent reason after failing an entrance exam...thrice...(Yes, Love Hina, I'm referring to you!) Therefore, as far as character goes, if I watch these things for the 'aw' factor, which seems to be the reason I do so, then chick-flicks make more sense in the character department...
So I, being the one to try and justify my general like of anime and my general dislike of chick-flicks decided to dig a little deeper.
And then it dawned on me:
The length, and therefore, the time for plot development and storyline arcs.
A long romance movie (Titanic, for example) might run a little over three hours, watched in a single sitting.
A single season of anime has, as far as I have seen, anywhere from 20-30 episodes, each ranging (episode time, without commercals) 20-25 mins. It's possible, by skipping the intro and credits and the "On the next episode" segments to watch three in about an hour's span, depending on the ratio of actual episode to length of other stuff.
Roughly, an average season of anime equates to around eight total hours of actual anime (Maybe seven, but not much more than eight) Quick math, and we see five hours in favor of anime for plot development...
So, though many an episode can be wasted on total nonsense totally irrelevent to the rest of the storyline, you can still develop the plot deeper than a movie can really allow for.
hmm...but, really, most anime is too silly to take advantage of this...
Too silly. Maybe that's got something to do with it...then again, romantic comedies are all the rage...
So, I guess my bottom line is...I should probably stop complaining about chick-flicks. My beloved anime is, at the very least, not any better.
Apr. 8th, 2005 @ 01:14 am
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| » Washing my hands clean of school...I wish. |
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This is a giant whine. If you're looking for relevent reading, I suggest you go elsewhere, unless reading about other's misfortune is somehow amusing to you...(sicko!)
I hate school. I abhor it. ABHOR.
Why? Because...things were crusing along fairly well...I just had one nagging Shakespeare project to finish, and I'd be alll set. However, this past day, and this day alone, I have actually begun to worry if I am going to have the time required to finish the tremdous amount of work that has gotten up, smiled at me, and hopped into my lap. Firstly, my British Literature exam...seventy percent is in one loaded question...about English royalty history. Three pages of essay, with three more on actual literature, worth only (obviously) thirty percent. it'll take me 4 or 5 hours to type this naughty peice of crud up. Meh.
If I wanted a history course, I'd have taken one, thanks kindly.
Then, these silly journals for said Shakespeare class. Meh, I could do without them. They're timeconsuming, but easy. Should take 3-4 hours...Both of these due in one week.
My project, due in two weeks, will take upwards of 30 hours.
I can do it, but it may require pushing myself quite a bit. Figures I'll have to work hard at the end...
But, really, in comparison with the sufferings of the people around me, friends, family, coworker...my life seems(and usually does) easier. Less harsh. Sure, I have problems, but other than a couple others, most of the people in my little world are by and large unhappy.
It leaves me with a sense of frusteration and infuration at my seeming inability to pass my happiness along, to shoulder some of the burden others have.
But, I think that's all I'm gonna write for now...I've got work to do...
Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 09:40 pm
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